First of all, because this beautiful, exciting feeling has a second face: love is also a loss of freedom, suffering, and pain. From the very first meeting, each person involuntarily begins to try on himself the image of an abandoned lover – what will they feel if they are abandoned? What if this is unbearable?
Love also scares us so much because logically, we are not able to comprehend its reason: why do I love this particular man or woman? What is special about them that sets them apart from thousands of others? It is impossible to solve this mystery, and although it is an integral element of a love game, it often gives rise to a desire to run away and hide – that’s how we are arranged. We are always afraid of the unknown.
Keep it at a distance
It is very common for a person to distinguish between feelings and sexual desire per se. Everyone has heard something like, “I adore my husband, but we have mediocre sex with him,” “I can only make love to a woman who I don’t like.” So, one of the tinder tips for great online dating says not to be scared! Tastes differ, and even if the person doesn’t like straight you away, it doesn’t mean that there won’t be anything between you.
This is also a kind of protective mechanism – this way we are trying to hide from love. For a long time, such behavior was typical only for men, but now, women make a similar distinction: they increasingly choose sexual partners for themselves, to whom, they are convinced, they are not threatened to become attached.
Are men and women equally afraid of love?
Yes. But since they love in different ways, their fears are different. A man is more focused on giving – he is ready to offer a lot to his loved one. That is why in the event of a break, he feels devastated, destroyed. The most important thing for a woman is to be loved, therefore she is most afraid that her pride will suffer, that she will be abandoned.
He is afraid of becoming henpecked, she is afraid to become a sexual object. But our manifestations of the fear of love are associated more with personal experience and those internal scenarios that accompany us in life, rather than gender affiliation.
How can one explain the endless game of hide and seek that many lovers practice?
It is explained by the fear of responsibility. The strong, vivid, and not always subordinate to our reasoning feeling that we have towards a partner inspires a certain concern, and here, on the horizon looms the need to bind ourselves with new obligations. Becoming a different person for everyone, we lose our freedom of action, we stop being ourselves. Now we just have to love them back, we have no other choice. This idea is very difficult to accept.
In the same way, it is difficult for a child to comprehend the fact that its mother is capable of loving other people as well – until a certain age, it is convinced that it is the center of her universe. The shift from this center to the periphery, the realization of one’s true place in maternal life is always associated with an enormous disappointment.
Does mother play an equally important role in the life of a man and a woman?
Yes, even Freud said that a child in the womb is a prototype of all kinds of love relationships. Having fallen in love, we turn into a small vulnerable child. The object of our passion draws closer in our minds to the almighty mother, who can always abuse our defenselessness.
He/she is the standard, embodied perfection, but we do not represent anything special by ourselves. imagination, her image is mixed with the image of her mother, and he is sacred. Choosing a partner of a different race, with a different color of hair or skin, is one of the most common ways to mask your oedipal aspirations. However, it is hardly possible to predict the development of the love relationships of each person. One thing is for sure: the way our mothers showed her love for us will greatly affect our love relationships in adulthood.
The point is not strictly whether we were loved in childhood or not. The important thing is, did our early environment allow us to form self-love – a feeling that throughout life remains for us a kind of core and powerful source of internal strength. It is love for oneself that allows us to build relationships in a couple and give to others what we at one time received.
Can fears permanently deprive a person of the ability to love?
I believe that love is the strongest of all feelings, and the best proof of this is love at first sight, which does not leave us any chance of resistance. No matter how old the lover is, for a while, he inevitably turns into a defenseless child, unable to properly formulate thoughts, amazed and fascinated by the look of his “mother” – a new partner.